Before You Read . . .

If you would like to know what is going on, as best as I can describe it, please refer to the “A Word From the Narrator” page. This will give you the background and help you to understand just how this all came to be.

Your Narrator

A Message From The Author: As should be obvious, upside down is right side up. It’s probably more prudent to read from the last post on the page to the first but, hey, I’m no stickler for the rules. Also, this is slightly interactive as comments can be, well, comments or “transmissions from the home-world.” You decide.

Transmission 2 – Route 2134Blerpo – Attention Gwarnik

I have been asked by Gorgo to relay a message verbatim. Please do not hold me accountable for the language or lack of proper grammar and do be thankful that at least I ran the spellcheck.

Uncle Gwarnik, hey, how you doing? How’re those lovely wives of yours? Lil’ Gwarnik still trying to go pro?

Listen, I know you got my last message and, hey, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to respond what with that little explosion on the outer rings. But I swear to you, it wasn’t me! Come on, would Lil’ Gorgo ever try to send the planet onto a collision course with the moons on purpose?  I just wanted to go bowling and, ya know, it being the middle of the night . . . Anyway, we’re family!

Look, I’m in a little bit of a bind here. Sees, me and a couple of friends, good guys both of them, we were just heading out to ZptIny for a little R and R and seems our ship kind of took a turn for the worst. I know, I know, I remember all the lectures about buying anything from the Oidu!

Anyways, I’m begging ya. I promise to pay you back. I mean, not like the last time kind of promise. I swear for real this time. I’ll go work on a uyto farm shovelling klkl if you just get us off of this rock. You wouldn’t believe these creatures. They’re bipeds, can you believe it?! They don’t even know what gravity is! They think there is a being up in the sky who grants them wishes!

Barbarians, all of them, and I can’t stand it anymore. This is worse than the time I glued myself to the loopoo tree and had to wait until its mating cycle was over. Talk about some nightmares.

Your loving nephew,

Gorgo

Personal Message

As I do not know how long it will take for these transmissions to reach your home world, I have decided to take it upon myself to write status reports as I am certain that you wish to remain informed about your citizens.

Unfortunately, I would be remiss not to mention how much time this will undoubtedly occupy, as I am a very busy man and so, as I am sure you are quite fair minded, I must take a moment to discuss some sort of remuneration effort on your part. It goes against my upbringing, naturally, to openly discuss such a sensitive topic but I dare say that I didn’t quite realize at the time just how, shall I say, involved your three fine citizens would be.

It seems, you see, that the species of your home world are extraordinarily different than I imagined them to be, much more different than my own ignorant kind. In fact, I dare say that your fellow species blows the idea of little green men – or grey, as the popular notion goes – right out of the proverbial water. Are you, perhaps, aware of these “Greys,” as they are called? Funny little fellows, big black eyes, rather vicious? They like to probe, particularly in the anal cavities . . . Never mind.

Anyway, I hate to mention it, really, but were you aware that your species is fire-retardant? This wouldn’t be a problem, of course, if it wasn’t for the fact that it who shall be referred to as Bob seems to have an . . . unhealthy obsession, I would call it, with open flame. Is this indicative of your species?

I certainly don’t wish to offend anyone. It’s just that I came home from work – a very important job as assistant collator at Kinko’s (one of the highest positions on this planet, really) – to find my sofa on fire. Flames were shooting everywhere and there are char marks all over the ceiling. It seems that Gorgo and Lipneck were quite amused by setting “Bob” aflame and watching him “dance” around my living room. At least, I am guessing they were amused. It is just so hard to tell, what with only those tiny little vibrating bubbles to read expression from.

Now, I hate to be a stickler but they are your citizens and that sofa was on a two-year payment plan. I still have six months to go! Not to mention the fact that I live in an apartment and the landlord is going to have a field day with this. You can certainly kiss my security deposit goodbye.

I understand, of course, that transferring cash across the Universe might get a bit tricky. There are certainly enough crooks on this planet alone to be the death of you. But I just wanted to let you know that I will, graciously, take a personal check to cover the damages and, of course, we can’t forget about emotional distress.

Thanks in advance!

Personal Message

I thought that it would be most prudent of me to send, along with transmissions from your fellow citizens, my own observations concerning the three offworlders of whom I have taken charge. Being a self-professed scholar of the more unusual, I have a unique perspective on this turn of events and am far more equipped to give a valid point of view than many of my fellow Earthlings.

I must say that it has been quite an adventure, getting to know Gorgo, Lipneck and it who shall be referred to as Bob. I am quite sorry to say that I am unable to understand just what their names truly are and am, instead, referring to them simply by the peculiar gurgling sound they made as I came upon them. Please do not find fault in such ignorance.

It was certainly a shock to come across such unusual beings during one of my nightly respites but I have to pat myself on the back for recovering so aptly and coming to their rescue. You should know that I quickly spirited them away to my own abode, where I have set them up quite comfortably. As they do not understand the concept of beds (a sleeping platform made up of a rectangular cushion), I have arranged an old dresser for them to take their nightly rest in. I am, I must confess, still in the process of discovering just what sustenance they prefer. Again, though I lack such first-hand knowledge of more extraterrestrial cultures, I am most eager to gain knowledge.

I do have to say that I find it quite odd that they speak such immaculate English. I suppose it truly is a Universal language, though I dare say you all might have picked an easier one to utilize on your intergalactic journeys. Perhaps one of the Romantic languages next time? Or maybe Turkish. I hear it is quite simple. Perhaps then Gorgo wouldn’t keep shouting the phrase “vaginal fungus” in what is, presumably, its sleep.

Whatever the case, it is a delight to be a go-between, an emissary, if you will. Please do feel free to refer to me as that in the future, if it suits you. My girlfriend sometimes does during coital bliss.

Transmission 1 – Route 2134Blerpo – Attention Gwarnik

It would appear that I have been commissioned to transmit a message of the utmost urgency. As the governments of this planet often monitor, much to the chagrin of its citizens, communications and correspondence, we have found it prudent to disguise this transmission within a blog format. Please relay all response and additional correspondence as a “comment.” Additional instructions to be given when needed.

As I said, this is a message of great urgency. While passing through our solar system in the galaxy of the Milky Way, a ship belonging to three of your citizens experienced a malfunction and they were forced to land, quite abruptly, on a planet called Earth. They wish to relay that they are safe and secure for the time being but that they request immediate rescue.

Their Citizen ID are as follows: WekWek002, ZimmyZimZimmy759, KikoKah56678594356

A Message From Citizen WekWek002 as follows:

Help! Dear Lords on TztztzO help us! We are begging you! This planet doesn’t even have free cable.

End Transmission